Sketches of a Life

Cover Girls Don't Cry

"I want something good to die for,

to make it beautiful to live."

- QUOTSA, Go With the Flow

Walking down the street, I saw a girl. She was walking funny. When she smiled, I noticed what I thought were big gaps between her teeth. And visible wrinkles around her eyes. She seemed tired, and the dark circles under her eyes only contrasted her pale complexion. As she neared me, I noticed her skin, hair, and nails also craved some serious attention. Was she ill? Was she too busy to take care of herself? Or was she just careless of her appearance?

I proceeded to the photoshooting for this blog post. I had done my hair, my nails, and makeup. I felt genuinely good about myself 'cause I had it all planned out: the perfect story, the perfect styling, the perfect backdrop. And ultimately, the perfect photos I had in mind all along.

But when the lights went out, I saw that girl again. I saw her in my mirror.

I saw the girl who walked funny because of a serious leg injury she had suffered as a child. Who had gaps between her teeth due to a dental error. Who had bad hair, nails, and skin because she was too stressed out and lead an unhealthy life in general. And those wrinkles? She had them because she simply laughed too much.

And the photos she just took? A posed perfection.

Facebook. Instagram. Snapchat. A posed perfection.

Suddenly, it hit me: perfection is my enemy. And maybe perfection is not in adding but in taking things away from my life. In removing stress and drama. In ceasing to aspire to the imposed ideals. In reinventing myself and learning to accept my flaws and proudly wear them as a reminder of the battles won and lost.

And why this post matters? Not because it has the perfect cover photo. Not because the girl in the photo seems self-confident and content about her life. Not because she perhaps seems to have everything she wants. Not because she shared her expertise with the world. It matters because it will give someone the opportunity to read her story and maybe, just maybe, decide to make positive changes in their life.

She'll keep posting the perfect photos on social media, alright. But she'll still be imperfect just as anyone.

Thanks for reading!

8:39 pm
2 Comments

The Ghostee

relationships

If you're dating a guy who is a self-centered prick most the time, but then reels you back in with his genuinely enjoyable side, you are not dating a guy.

You are being held emotionally hostage by a selfish asshole with mood swings.

Big difference, babe.

- Meredith Marple

Many years ago, I met this guy. We had it going pretty well for 6 or 7 months, and then he simply - disappeared. I had absolutely no idea what happened. I spent months pondering where I went wrong: Was it something I said? Was it something I did? Was I pushing it to hard? Was there another girl? How was I so wrong about him? I thought we had something... I felt guilty. I felt betrayed. I was miserable.

Long story short, he came back after another 6 months. He told me it had nothing to do with me. He vaguely explained he had been merely lost and messed up. I took him back - and then, after a while, he disappeared again. Only this time it was impossible to believe it had nothing to do with me. Once again, I was left confused, my self-esteem beaten to the ground, my confidence in men completely gone, and my faith in love destroyed almost irretrievably. Wasn’t I worth an explanation? I was hurt. I was disappointed. I was embarrassed. I felt utterly stupid for letting it happen again. I was furious.

For a long time I believed this was an isolated case, an exception: I had the misfortune to get involved with the only guy in the world who would end a relationship in such an immature and inconsiderate way. However, soon it turned out a friend of mine had a similar experience. And then another. And then another...

We named this kind of behaviour after him: the M syndrome.

However, yesterday I learned it actually had a name as I stumbled upon an article entitled Ghosting. As it turned out, ghosting has been a social phenomenon for quite some time now (a decade!): the subject suddenly ceases all communication with someone they no longer wish to date, hoping they would “get the hint” as opposed to simply stating how they feel.

Well, well, well! I guess I wasn't the only ghostee in the world after all.

It encouraged me to write this post.

From the perspective of the ghoster, the reasons for giving the ghostee the ultimate silent treatment are avoiding conflict, difficult conversations, and hurting someone’s feelings. There are studies explaining how this affects both parties as the ghoster is, in the long run, often faced with an even greater confrontation with the frustrated ghostee, and grows increasingly anxious and tormented by guilt for taking the coward’s way out.

Well, guess what? From the perspective of the ghostee – I couldn’t care less.

As far as I am concerned, anyone who ghosts is manipulative, immature, irresponsible, uncompassionate, and disrespectful. And before ghosting someone again, they should consider how the ghosting affects the ghostee. In short, it leaves them:

uncertain of how to react (frustration and anxiety)
questioning the validity of the relationship
questioning themselves and their worth (self-esteem issues)
lacking closure
without the answers that might help them emotionally process the experience (depression)
fearing to enter a new romantic relationship.

And what have I learned from the experience? Someone ghosting you doesn’t say anything about you or your worth, but everything about the person doing the ghosting. The message they are sending is: I don’t have the courage to deal with discomforting emotions - yours or mine, I don’t comprehend the impact of my behaviour, or – worst of all - I don’t care. Whatever it is, you should be the better person and retain your dignity. Let them go. They most certainly don’t deserve you anyway. And in all probability, they will eventually come running back. Think twice before you decide they are worth a second chance.

And if you ever consider ghosting someone - just remember this post and DON'T.

9:42 pm
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Reading Time

books

“If you go home with somebody and they don't have books, don't fuck 'em!”

- John Waters

Let me preface this post with an apology to all the great authors and works not listed below. There are many, and it's nearly impossible to give an account of them all. I might write a sequel someday, though.

In no particular order, here is a list of some of the literary works I truly appreciate and would recommend everyone to read at some point.

George Orwell - Nineteen Eighty-Four

For me, this is for certain one of the best, if not the very best, works of dystopia ever written. Without discussing the plot in detail, it offers a prophetic, nightmarish vision of a futuristic totalitarian society in which the latest advances in psychology and cutting-edge technology are being used to keep the masses in submission in the most extreme ways.

As a historian and a linguist, I found the book particularly interesting for it, among other, challenges the notions of:

1. privacy – what if someone was able to control our thoughts? What if controlling the "truth" and the "history" enabled someone to control how and what people think?

2. free will and brainwashing – how is it possible to live in a society without basic civil rights, under a government that exercises complete and unchallenged control?

3. history and censorship – can history be rewritten and forged? Can "truth" be fabricated?

4. language – are thoughts dependent on the words that express them? Is it possible to limit speech and understanding by eliminating the ill-suited words?

Thinking about these questions makes you a bit paranoid, doesn't it? In one moment you think you know exactly what you believe about everything, and then suddenly you question whether or not you believe anything at all about anything. It's hunting. It's disturbing. It's absolutely brilliant, not for its literary genius or complexity, but for the ideas behind it.

Aldous Huxley – Brave New World

The novel focuses on a somewhat similar subject as Nineteen Eighty-Four, but there are many undisputable and significant differences. This is an anti-utopia that depicts the formation of a society in which, through clever use of genetic engineering, brainwashing and recreational sex and drugs, all its members are made into happy consumers. However, they are conditioned into being happy, and their happiness exists in only the most trivial sense: they lead lives of simple pleasures, without science, art, passion, danger or sin.

Regardless of the flaws the novel obviously has, the reason I found it so fascinating is the fact that it seems much closer to our everyday reality than Nineteen Eighty-Four. Come to think about it, our world is starting to resemble Huxley's science fiction setting more and more with each new day. His far-future fantasy reflects a reality that could be today. And the big question is: will we control technology or will technology control us someday?

Douglas N. Adams - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Please, before anything... don't panic! This is only the first book in a trilogy of five books (yes, you read that right, it wasn't a mistake).

Believe me, providing a short summary of the plot is absolutely needless here. The reason this book series made it on this list is not its plot whatsoever. It’s the ideas, wonderful commentaries on the human condition, clever humour, puns, jokes and apparent absurdities that made me fall madly in love with Mr DNA's work. The series combines some seemingly incompatible elements; sci-fi and comedy, for instance. In that sense, I can understand how some might not absolutely love it. But if somebody absolutely hates it – well, you're probably the reason humans are only the third most intelligent species on Earth. And I'm not even sorry for quoting that.

Want to finally know the answer to life, the universe, and everything? Read the Hitchhiker's Guide series!

Chuck Palahniuk - Fight Club

The first rule about Fight Club: you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule about Fight club: you do not talk about Fight Club.

I'll be honest here: first time I heard about Fight Club was when the film adaptation came out. It never appealed to me - probably because the title evoked an image of a boxing ring in my imagination that simply never was my cup of tea. Long story short, I had never seen the film before I was introduced to the book. This happened at about my graduate year as the book was brought to me as part of my required reading. Needless to say I was stunned by the text before me. Speaking of "never judge a book by its cover (or title)", huh?

Ever since I've read it a million times, wrote numerous essays on the issue of femininity in it, memorized and quoted many memorable paragraphs, and saw the film multiple times. And nowadays I can say it's probably my favourite book ever for it is very clever, insightful, dark, and thought-provoking.

I'm certain most are familiar with Fincher's film, which is, by the way, a brilliant adaptation, but – spoiler alert! – the book has quite a different ending!

And – of curse:

Antonie de Saint-Exupéry – The Little Prince

A review wouldn't do justice to this short novel.

But here's an advice: make your children read it. And then make them re-read it when they grow up.

But bear in mind this is not a book for children. It's a book for adults who remember being children.

Sketches of a Life

Cover Girls Don't Cry

The Ghostee

Reading Time

A Letter to Mr George R.R. Martin

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