The Ghostee
9:42 pm
If you're dating a guy who is a self-centered prick most the time, but then reels you back in with his genuinely enjoyable side, you are not dating a guy.
You are being held emotionally hostage by a selfish asshole with mood swings.
Big difference, babe.
- Meredith Marple
Many years ago, I met this guy. We had it going pretty well for 6 or 7 months, and then he simply - disappeared. I had absolutely no idea what happened. I spent months pondering where I went wrong: Was it something I said? Was it something I did? Was I pushing it to hard? Was there another girl? How was I so wrong about him? I thought we had something... I felt guilty. I felt betrayed. I was miserable.
Long story short, he came back after another 6 months. He told me it had nothing to do with me. He vaguely explained he had been merely lost and messed up. I took him back - and then, after a while, he disappeared again. Only this time it was impossible to believe it had nothing to do with me. Once again, I was left confused, my self-esteem beaten to the ground, my confidence in men completely gone, and my faith in love destroyed almost irretrievably. Wasn’t I worth an explanation? I was hurt. I was disappointed. I was embarrassed. I felt utterly stupid for letting it happen again. I was furious.
For a long time I believed this was an isolated case, an exception: I had the misfortune to get involved with the only guy in the world who would end a relationship in such an immature and inconsiderate way. However, soon it turned out a friend of mine had a similar experience. And then another. And then another...
We named this kind of behaviour after him: the M syndrome.
However, yesterday I learned it actually had a name as I stumbled upon an article entitled Ghosting. As it turned out, ghosting has been a social phenomenon for quite some time now (a decade!): the subject suddenly ceases all communication with someone they no longer wish to date, hoping they would “get the hint” as opposed to simply stating how they feel.
Well, well, well! I guess I wasn't the only ghostee in the world after all.
It encouraged me to write this post.
From the perspective of the ghoster, the reasons for giving the ghostee the ultimate silent treatment are avoiding conflict, difficult conversations, and hurting someone’s feelings. There are studies explaining how this affects both parties as the ghoster is, in the long run, often faced with an even greater confrontation with the frustrated ghostee, and grows increasingly anxious and tormented by guilt for taking the coward’s way out.
Well, guess what? From the perspective of the ghostee – I couldn’t care less.
As far as I am concerned, anyone who ghosts is manipulative, immature, irresponsible, uncompassionate, and disrespectful. And before ghosting someone again, they should consider how the ghosting affects the ghostee. In short, it leaves them:
Long story short, he came back after another 6 months. He told me it had nothing to do with me. He vaguely explained he had been merely lost and messed up. I took him back - and then, after a while, he disappeared again. Only this time it was impossible to believe it had nothing to do with me. Once again, I was left confused, my self-esteem beaten to the ground, my confidence in men completely gone, and my faith in love destroyed almost irretrievably. Wasn’t I worth an explanation? I was hurt. I was disappointed. I was embarrassed. I felt utterly stupid for letting it happen again. I was furious.
For a long time I believed this was an isolated case, an exception: I had the misfortune to get involved with the only guy in the world who would end a relationship in such an immature and inconsiderate way. However, soon it turned out a friend of mine had a similar experience. And then another. And then another...
We named this kind of behaviour after him: the M syndrome.
However, yesterday I learned it actually had a name as I stumbled upon an article entitled Ghosting. As it turned out, ghosting has been a social phenomenon for quite some time now (a decade!): the subject suddenly ceases all communication with someone they no longer wish to date, hoping they would “get the hint” as opposed to simply stating how they feel.
Well, well, well! I guess I wasn't the only ghostee in the world after all.
It encouraged me to write this post.
From the perspective of the ghoster, the reasons for giving the ghostee the ultimate silent treatment are avoiding conflict, difficult conversations, and hurting someone’s feelings. There are studies explaining how this affects both parties as the ghoster is, in the long run, often faced with an even greater confrontation with the frustrated ghostee, and grows increasingly anxious and tormented by guilt for taking the coward’s way out.
Well, guess what? From the perspective of the ghostee – I couldn’t care less.
As far as I am concerned, anyone who ghosts is manipulative, immature, irresponsible, uncompassionate, and disrespectful. And before ghosting someone again, they should consider how the ghosting affects the ghostee. In short, it leaves them:
- uncertain of how to react (frustration and anxiety)
- questioning the validity of the relationship
- questioning themselves and their worth (self-esteem issues)
- lacking closure
- without the answers that might help them emotionally process the experience (depression)
- fearing to enter a new romantic relationship.
And what have I learned from the experience? Someone ghosting you doesn’t say anything about you or your worth, but everything about the person doing the ghosting. The message they are sending is: I don’t have the courage to deal with discomforting emotions - yours or mine, I don’t comprehend the impact of my behaviour, or – worst of all - I don’t care. Whatever it is, you should be the better person and retain your dignity. Let them go. They most certainly don’t deserve you anyway. And in all probability, they will eventually come running back. Think twice before you decide they are worth a second chance.
And if you ever consider ghosting someone - just remember this post and DON'T.
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