Sketches of a Life

I started off 2018 with an important decision: to go with the flow, unless my flow disrupts someone else's flow. I don't know if this makes any sense, but I'll try to explain. Reflecting on the horrible year of 2017, I came to the realization that everything that had happened to me was of my own making. There were decisions gone horribly wrong, chances missed, people hurt, people gone, distances increased... All in all, the year really slapped me silly and left me utterly disappointed and emotionally drained. In a nutshell, I figured: if I am not able to find serenity, so be it. But I will never stand in the way of someone else's.
This switch in my conscience made me look at things from a totally different perspective. It became an important tool in my self-development process. Whenever I was about to make an important decision, I would ask myself: Is this right for me? Does it affect anyone else and, if so, how?

See, I kind of believe in karma or whatever you want to name it. If you do good, it will reciprocate.

As it turns out, I was right. 2018 saw some of my best moments and biggest achievements, and created some of the greatest memories. I am proud of myself for making some of my lifelong dreams come true. I am not saying the year was perfect, but I am happy with the way it played out. And I am forever grateful for all the beautiful people I am surrounded with, hoping they would stick around for many years to come.
I'm looking forward to see what 2019 has in store for me. I'm still giving myself some space and time to think about what I want to see, feel, experience and make happen this year, but I am ready for whatever may come my way. 

Wishing you all lots of happiness, health and success in 2019! Cheers to the new year and another chance for us to get it right!

Being a (wannabe) content creator on the Internet is seldom an easy task.

It requires an unceasing motivation and lots of free time (that I lack more often than not), and implies readiness to being exposed all the time. Exposed on Facebook, exposed on Instagram, exposed on every other social platform with the sole aim of doing what you love and getting your voice heard beyond the boundaries of your real-life social circle.

For starters, finding inspiration is hard. 

Turning it into an actual, quality content takes time, particularly when you're your own model, photographer, graphic designer, author, proofreader, editor, web administrator, PR specialist and what else not.

But what's harder than anything else is putting yourself, your ideas, your thoughts, your creations out there, and fearing feedback.

Now, the fact is that we all doubt ourselves sometimes. We all seek appraisal, acceptance and hopefully commendation within our social circles. But what happens when we let the whole interested world judge us?

Below are some of the situations I've experienced since I started blogging (and I'm listing them chronologically) that might answer the question.

You get extremely positive comments and encouragement from the most unexpected people

I remember the first message I ever recieved in my SoaL Facebook page Inbox: it was from a girl that I knew from school, but hadn't seen in years. My first thought was: Wow, I can't believe she's reading my blog! Long story short, this message was full of encouragement and praises on different aspects of my blog. I can't even describe how happy it made me to know that someone not so close to me values what I do and feels the need to share it with me. If she's reading this, once again: thank you from the bottom of my heart! It was the motivation I needed to carry on at the time I was actually considering giving up.

You get mild reactions from the people you'd expect to be much more supportive

When I first started blogging, it took me at least ten blog posts (and another cancelled blog prior to SoaL) before I gathered the courage to share my writings with my Facebook friends. At the time, I wasn't really sure what I was doing, where I was going with it, or if it was any good at all. It was simply one of those f*ck it moments when I decided to press the share button and invite my Facebook friends to like the page. Honestly, it was terrifying. And to this day, sharing on my private FB page still is. The initial reactions were, of course, but positive. But truth to be told, all my Facebook friends are the people I actually know, so I kind of expected their support. However, I later noticed some of my closest friends didn't like the page, or liked it but never actually engaged, which left me quite disappointed. What's the reason for this, I really can't tell, but I guess I should have been more aware this might happen and stress less about it. 

You get creepers and stalkers

When you want more people to know about your business, you make sure most your social media profiles/pages are interrelated and public. You publish your best photos, some created specifically for this purpose. And, of course, you do this conscious of the other side of the coin: possibly attracting bad audience. In my experience, it starts with comments on your appearance. Then it moves to private messaging (that I ignore, that's why my response rate is so low :)) and friend requests, sent even to your actual friends. Some, however, get so persistent that you are forced to reply: you kindly thank them for the compliments and politely explain you do not want their presents / travel opportunities / company / whatever. That's when they get mad and start accusing you of being fake / frigid / stupid / you name it. Because why else would a poor Croatian girl be on Instagram but to find an elderly, wealthy German to marry her and make her a princess?

You get absolute strangers supporting you

This is the best kind of attention because it tells you you've reached the right audience, genuinely interested in what you have to say. I honestly value every like, comment and share I get, not because I am obsessed with numbers, but because these likes, shares and comments help me grow my business. I wish more people would understand how this works and why every like counts. Which brings me to:

You get lack of understanding from your friends

I have a friend constantly complaining about my Instagram activity and openly refusing to like my Instagram posts because he believes I spend too much effort on creating content for this platform. Several times he texted me asking what I was doing, and I replied half-jokingly: Getting ready for my Instagram photoshoot. Ever since he's been boycotting liking my Instagram posts. The truth is, I do spend a lot of time and effort on creating this content. And the reason is quite simple: according to the blog statistics, Instagram is the platform that generates most visits to my blog. So in order to promote the blog, I have to be constantly active on this platform. Besides, I genuinely like Instagram better than any other social media because I am primarily a visual person and I like expressing myself and seeing others expressing themselves only visually, which is nearly impossible with other social media.

You get negative feedback

You probably won't believe me, but I swear, to this day, I haven't recieved a single negative comment. Of course, you might consider some of the situations described above as a form of negative feedback. I often do, too. But I suffer from social anxiety, so I guess that's normal. :) But my greatest strength is that I have learned how to control my anxiety and how to channel it into something positive. That's why I am sure that, when I finally experience some hate, I'll be able to learn from it and rise above it. I really appreciate good argument, so I actually look forward to being called on my weak points, mistakes, etc. Remember, that saying If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. doesn't apply here! So hit me!

Which brings me to my last point, which is think is worst than hate:

You get no reaction at all

I'm not talking about strangers here. I am talking about the people I am close with. Those I'd die for. Those I support in whatever they come up with. The same ones who ignored the invitations to like the SoaL page or engage with the blog content they must have seen on various social media. I'm sorry, but I simply don't understand this. Is this a form of negative feedback? Tell me what you think in the comments!

Finally, there's a point to this blog post and it's SUPPORT. I'm saying this from two different points of view: as a translator, and as an aspiring blogger. I've experienced how hard it is out there. The Internet is full of people loving the same things as you do, doing the same things as you do, and trying to succeed just like you, but it's a constant battle: against yourself, against your competition, against advertising policies, against hate and envy. If you're an aspiring artist reading this post, I hope it doesn't discourage you, but prepare you for what you might experience. Be smarter than me and, if what you do makes you truly happy, never give up on it!

But if you're someone who knows someone struggling to make something work through social media, like their handmade products page, photography page, art page, music page, or similar. Even if you don't find yourself directly involved in what they do, show some appreciation for their creativity and efforts, and show some love. Like their content. Help them take or edit photos. Proofread their lyrics. Point to what they're doing wrong and what they're doing great. Your support matters, in whatever form it may come. Believe me, it will be appreciated.

As always, thanks for reading!

Beyond doubt, this is the most overwhelming text I have ever decided to write. It tells a story of harassment. Verbal. Psychological. Sexual.

I haven't talked about it in years. Only a few know what actually happened. Even fewer know how stressful, burdening, and traumatizing it was. I ran away and never looked back. And after all the time that's passed, rare are the days when it doesn't at least cross my mind.

Inspired by the countless courageous women (and men) who decided to speak up and give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem of sexual harassment by using the hashtag #MeToo, I too gathered the courage to come forward. 

Now, for the sake of post length, I'm not going to describe different occasions in which I felt sexually harassed (God knows there were plenty). Instead, I'm going to give an account of a situation that left me particularly perplexed and disturbed. I wish everyone would take it as a warning. 

So here it goes.

It was mid-May. I had been unemployed for over six months at the time. One day I stumbled upon a job ad; a company was looking for a secretary/translator. I Googled it and discovered it was a tourist apartment renting business. Assuming the open position had something to do with working at the reception desk, I applied for the job via email.

An hour later, I recieved a reply kindly thanking me for the application and asking for a full stature photo. Signed by a woman. 

I sent the first photo I found. Again, I got a "thank you" back. Signed by a woman.

Next morning, I received a phone call. From a man. Immediately after introducing himself as the owner of the business, he started bragging about his wealth and his plans to get even wealthier. He wouldn't stop talking. There was something strange about him right away. His voice revealed that he was a middle-aged man. His discourse revealed that he wasn't well-read, which I immediately connected to the poorly written email replies I had received the day before. He asked me some extremely odd questions, such as whether I used deodorant or liked wearing high heels (because he needed his translator to attend important meetings with him). He also wanted to know my relationship status and whether my significant other was jealous by nature.

Still, I was desperate for a job and agreed to meet him the next day.

It was Friday. I arrived to the 80 km distant city, expecting him to meet me at a tourist resort or anything as such. Yet, he met me at the streets and took me to what turned out to be a private apartment. I told him I couldn't stay for long because I have someone waiting for me at a nearby bar (which was true, I dared not to come alone). I was right about him: he was a 55-60-year-old bigmouth. He offered me some coffee, told me about his family and their primary business, and described the job position I was supposed to fill: he wanted to start a new business and he needed someone to translate the emails to and from his potential investors. It would include working only for a few hours a day, weekends off, and a fair paycheck. I agreed to a week trial period. 

As soon as I left, his emails and text messages started to arrive. I swear to God, I received more than 100 during the weekend, mainly saying how we're going to achieve great things together. 

When I arrived to work on Monday, he locked the door, took my purse, jacket, and cell phone, telling me he doesn't want me to use it while working.

Then he offered me a cup of tea and insisted on trying some home-made honey; he took a spoon, though, and tried feeding me with it.

Later he started talking about his daughter, a girl my age. He showed me some pieces of the jewellery she had made, took me by the hand and tried putting a ring on my finger.

I can't stress enough how this affected me. I generally have trouble with people coming too close to me, let alone touching me. I was horrified. I had trouble sleeping that night, knowing I needed the money desperately and trying to decide whether it was worth it.

On Tuesday he wanted me to see how awesome his new loudspeakers were. He blasted the music, and all I was thinking was that no one could hear me if I started screaming. For a second, I even considered jumping out of the window in case anything inappropriate started happening, although the place was on the first floor.

On Wednesday he started making some inappropriate comments on the sexual life of celebrities, stressing the role of parents in their intimate affairs. Namely, he believed fathers should decide who their daughters can sleep with, but exclusively for the purpose of satisfying their biological needs and urges, which is important for their performance in professional and other fields. This was the drop that spilled the cup.

On Thursday I told him I decided to go back to my former job after all. He begged me not to do it. He offered to buy me an apartment in his city. He also offered to buy me a car. I, of course, rejected the offer. Eventually we agreed that I would continue translating for him in my free time, but from (the safety of) my home.

This was not the end, though. 

For the following two moths, I had been receiving at least 100 text messages and emails a day from him. He also called on the weekends and holidays, insulting me for refusing to be at his disposal 24/7. This created a tremendous psychological pressure on me. When the payment day came, he accused me of trying to deceive him. When I proved him wrong, he only paid me half the money, and gave me the rest on a later occasion.

After this, I told him I wished him luck with his new business, but didn't want to be part of it anymore.

Maybe I got it all wrong. But the way I felt was real enough for me to run away. 

A year passed by until he called again. I froze. I never answered the call, but I hope he got the message.

#MeToo

SUPPORT

Ok, enough with the jokes. If you close your eyes to them, you'll see that my list is actually genuine. I hope some of you out there would find encouragement to improve your flaws in this text as well. But remember: it doesn't matter what it is that drives you forward as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. And we actually don't need New years to start working on ourselves. Every day is a good day to make a change. 

Lately I've been working on developing a new design of statement rings made of tulle, faux leather, beads, chains, and other materials. Each consists of more than 150 pieces, cut separately and sewn together one by one. Making each usually takes about 3 hours, a broken nail, two finger cuts, and a million needle stiches on average. But despite the frequent injuries, I truly enjoy making them, and I put a lot of effort, love and dedication into it. In case you haven't noticed, I run a one-(wo)man show here, acting as my own content creator, photographer, editor, proofreader, model, promotor, etc. So creating a decent quality blog post on a single-handedly made product actually takes much longer than you might imagine. 

Since it was my birthday yesterday, I decided to host a little Giveaway on my Facebook page. If you would like to become the owner of one of the three rings I am giving away, you can enter the contest here. The photo above is just an illustration, and the winners will be allowed to choose among various ring models. Everyone is welcome to take part, regardless of where they come from, because I will also cover for all the shipping costs. The Giveaway closes on October 13, 2015, so hurry up! 

I currently only have photos of black and red rings, but I will hopefully add more shortly. I also have to point out that, mostly due to the thinness of tulle netting, it is difficult to capture their true beauty with a low-quality camera and bad ligting. Wish you could see them through my eyes instead...

Anyway, I'd love to see you taking part in this contest, and I wish you all good luck!